Ben Bennett

Trevor Tyson  0:01  
Thank you for tuning in to Trevor talks podcast where we talk to real people about real topics and real stories. Today's guests is someone that I love and respect dearly. He is an author, speaker and the director of resolution movement, which is a global movement, helping young people overcome hurts and struggles and thrive in life. He just released his debut book free to thrive how your hurt struggles and deepest longings can lead to a fulfilling life, which he co authored with his co author, which I believe is an amazing resource for anyone who may be longing for more in life. If you're anxious, depressed, struggling with addiction, or just need to find more and why if this episode is for you, please help me welcome today's guest, Ben Bennett. Ben What's up, bro?

Ben Bennett  0:51  
Come on, Trevor. So good to see ya to be with you. You know, the only place I'd rather be is probably there with you in person. Or maybe on a tropical island on a vacation.

Trevor Tyson  1:02  
Yeah, I feel like that would be a little bit more fun. But this will do for now. And I hope you liked that I said was his co author just give you all the cloud for the book. But we are going to talk about that co author because this book is amazing. Josh McDowell Josh McDowell ministries, bro. What's up?

Ben Bennett  1:20  
What's up? What's good. You got the book? I got the book. I feel like we got to do a book High Five through the Wi Fi here.

Trevor Tyson  1:27  
Ready? One, two. Bam. If you are not on YouTube, you're totally missing out right now. But this dude Angele Yeah, you're missing the visuals. Like we've been on YouTube for like, too many weeks now. And I have no clue how many weeks has been but it's been super fun. I enjoy having the video aspect as well to where everyone can see our pretty faces. And my like, very beautiful beard, which may or may not be here tomorrow. Haven't decided yet, but it's great.

Ben Bennett  1:56  
Gotta keep the stash at least.

Trevor Tyson  1:58  
Yeah, you got it? No, definitely not. You're the only person that's going to do that dude. But we've been trying to do this for a little bit. And my schedule and your schedule. And everything has just been interesting, some excited that we finally get to sit down and do it.

Ben Bennett  2:14  
Yeah, me too, man. It's awesome. It is finally working out.

Trevor Tyson  2:19  
Yes. And also, if you're not watching on YouTube, you're not seeing all my beautiful dances. So we spent a little bit of time together in Dallas a few weeks ago. And it was like we had known each other forever. But we've actually How long have we been communicating together? About a year? A year? Yeah, so it's like a year long bromance in the works. And we finally got the hang out and chill by the pool and in the hot tub. And it was a good time. So I'm glad we finally got to do that. And for everyone that's listening, that wasn't there. I'm sorry, because it was a good time. So I want to talk about this book. But I also want to talk about you as an individual, because your story is just really amazing to me. And I personally found a lot of healing in it. And it's not just me as a friend saying that as me as like, someone who's been on the sidelines, seeing what God's doing in your life, the resolution movement and such. But I really like to dive into people's stories in particular, like the vulnerable pieces, like you've gone through a lot of trauma in your life, you've gone through a lot of self doubt, anxiety, depression, and things that a lot of people have, but they don't necessarily address if that makes sense. So I find a lot of hearing healing in hearing people's stories. So would you be open to just starting off with a little bit of your background and your backstory?

Ben Bennett  3:42  
Absolutely, Trevor, you know, for me. It all began in 1989. That's when I was born. But I I grew up in in Virginia, and early on, was surrounded by church, a Christian community, my parents were in ministry. So I grew up going to church weekly, and I heard about this, this loving God who wanted a relationship with me. But there's wrong things I did that separated me from God. So really early on. I understood that Jesus loved me He lived a perfect life I could never live he died on the cross, He rose again. And he freely offered me forgiveness and reconciled relationship with God. So it's all in at a really young age super stoked on that had a relationship with God talk to him all throughout the day. And while that relationship was restored, many other relationships were broken, particularly in relationships in my family. My dad was just so often so hot and cold, often so angry. Bullying towards me name calling. Just stonewalling. I often felt like I couldn't meet his eye expectations, he started abusing alcohol. And in addition to that I was I was bullied often, by my friends for my faith for the music I listened to. And so early on, I was just hurting. I had these deep unmet longings to be loved to be safe to be accepted. And in response to that, looking back, I saw how I started to develop these ways of surviving, I started getting anxious, worried, wondering, when's the next time that I'm going to be rejected or embarrassed or not safe, I started getting really depressed, often developing this pattern of turning inward in a green with the lies that so many people around me, were telling me, I got addicted to pornography, I got addicted to food. And ultimately, I tried for years to try and fight through these things to try and find freedom. But I didn't know what was ultimately causing them, you know, I wanted so badly to be free, and to not have these issues. And it wasn't until I got involved in counseling and therapy and recovery groups that I started to realize that all of these issues were ultimately symptoms, they were signals that needed to be answered, they were signals of this deeper hurt this deeper, these deeper needs that had gotten unmet or had been rejected. And so it was through a lot of that and support from other people that I started to get free from pornography from depression. From anxiety, I started to see, I started to see my view of myself completely change and believe the value that God had created me with. And now I'm thankful to be helping others helping others who have struggled with the same things that I have struggled with.

Trevor Tyson  6:52  
Yeah. And how ironic is it like, people find anything to make fun of someone with right, even like the music that you listen to, like, you can't help like what music you like. So for me, I know, we both really like metal music. So I remember like, I never got picked on for it. But I remember being afraid to let people know that I really like heavy rock music. And as much as it sounds super silly, like when you're in middle school and high school, things like that matter to you. They're like, the end all be all of your friendships that you have, even if they're not real friendships you want to be encountered, you want to be loved, you want to be seen in middle school, high school, and even on like elementary school college, like you know, people always have that longing to be accepted. And if you're not listening to pop, and rap, and everything else in between, you're automatically outcasts. And I feel like the youth of this generation are kind of changing that. But due to like, even though you're a good bit older than me, I could totally relate with that. It's like, dude, like what, because I like to listen to something different than you. Let's make fun of it. It's super wild to me. But you went through all that stuff in your childhood, and it created baggage that you had to carry. Explain to me a little bit like I know, you talked about diving into therapy and counseling and such. But when you really started to find this freedom was it like a night and day experience, like after going through the trauma with your dad after going through the bullying, etc. When you started to find this freedom that you talked about? Was it like that weight got lifted off of your shoulders of is it slowly just taking baggage off until you finally embrace that freedom that God had given you.

Ben Bennett  8:41  
A lot of it was slow in a process. And I'm about 10 years 10 years now into into my healing journey. And it's like I've logged over 500 hours of counseling and therapy, and so much more. I've been involved in recovery groups for early on, I was involved in recovery groups for about four to six years. And so it was just one realization after another, you know, I think when you go through so much, it would probably be too much to you. Well, you don't change overnight, but it would be too much to have all of the realizations and everything all at once. And you know, it's a journey that that God takes us on. So it was one realization after another, I think early on one of the most significant realizations. Well, there was two that really helped one was realizing, we talked about this in the book that all of our struggles, nothing is random. So for me, most of my life I thought the anxiety and the depression were just biological things I was born with. And then I thought you know, my unhealthy behaviors, the overeating the addiction to pornography. I thought those things were just due to this sin nature that I was I was born with but what I didn't realize was how my environment had set me up to deal with those things. And so I talked about a couple minutes ago that anxiety was about, okay, I'm unsafe, and I'm having all this rejection, well, then my brain gets hardwired to protect me, well, it is hardwired to protect me. But all these these patterns keep coming up and are developed of anxiety to protect me to keep me safe from that happening again. Or with depression. At some point, you just can't fight the lies, I couldn't fight the lies as a kid anymore. So I started turning inward, and a green with with Elias. And then when it came to pornography, you know, feeling so rejected feeling so alone. In pornography, it was a way to try to find some pseudo sense of love and acceptance, that was temporary. And of course, pornography also releases a super flow of dopamine, it actually releases more dopamine than having sex with another human being. So that was like a, almost like a drug inside of my brain that I got addicted to. And so realizing what the scenes were about, they're not random, questioning them figuring out why did I develop these things, what needs to be healed. And where you know, how to go about all of that was one of the first realizations because a problem identified is a problem half solved yet. So many of us, we don't know what's below our problems, what's causing our problems. So figuring that out was one of the first steps. And then the second one was just what I started to realize about brain science and how, you know, in our brain, as we make decisions, every thought, every action starts to lead to these fixed neurological pathways in our brain. If you think about when you're a kid, learning how to talk, learning how to walk over time, it gets easier and easier to do, because your brain is developing fixed neurological pathways. It's kind of like muscle memory. And so what happens is it becomes it develops these physical ruts so fixed in your brain, that it's almost second nature to keep doing them. And it's so hard to stop. So I realized that oh, my gosh, with pornography, it's not that I'm that I just don't love Jesus enough. It's not that I'm this worthless sinner. It's that I do love Jesus, a lot of I'm not worth as I'm of great value, yet, my brain has been rewired. And it's going to be a process of Romans 12, to being transformed by the renewing of our minds of neuroplasticity, that our brain is moldable. So realizing, okay, my brain can change, I can get out of this, I can get to the point where I no longer struggle with this. And that's what's happened in my life has now I've been free from porn for over eight years. So those are the while the two significant breakthrough moments, I would say ahead early on.

Trevor Tyson  13:05  
So one thing that instantly comes in my mind is like a parent's reaction to finding their child watching porn. One thing like, I know, for a fact, from personal experiences, like you hear Dude, that's perverted. That's this. That's that. But in today's culture, like, if you're not watching porn, you're weird, right? So my question is, for parents that find their child watching porn, like, it's not necessarily because they're, like, overly perverted, it's not that they have a weird mind. A lot of times, like, for me, for example, I just had similar to you, like, I just had this whole longing to be loved and accepted, and I didn't know where to find it. And I was exposed to porn at a young age. And I didn't ask to be exposed to it. It was just something that was thrown on me right? off like that situation where, oh, you don't want to look weird in front of your friends. But you also know there's something wrong. I remember the first time just being like, there's something not right about this. But at the same time, like you're talking about, your brain just goes into that mode of Oh, wow, this has to be good. It feels good, right? So for a parent that walks in, finds their child looking at porn, how should they address that? first instinct for parents like no, don't do that. You're in trouble. Like, you're grounded for nine years, you know, but I'm just curious to know I can Ben Bennett and spring How should a parent react to that?

Ben Bennett  14:30  
Great question, Trevor. You know, with with anything, we've got to look at the heart of God and Romans two says that it's God's kindness, not his condemnation, that leads us to repent or to change or to turn our turn around or to change our thinking. And so what we've we've got to realize as hard as it is, you know, I've worked with so many parents the past 10 years in ministry, we've got to realize a couple things. One is that 99% of the time And kids are stumbling across pornography, the porn industry is going after kids trying to create these lifelong consumers in a child's brain is so moldable and susceptible to being impacted in having these images imprinted, that if they can get them at a young age, they know they'll have these lifelong consumers. So we've got to have compassion for for our kids, because they're being exposed by their friends on on the school bus, we're showing them pornography, they're coming across ads in or pop ups in video games. Or when we're silence as Christians, when we're not talking about the harms of porn and how God has something better in his design of sex. A kids might get on there and Google sex because they hear somebody talking about it. And then they come across hardcore pornography today, which is violent, it's abusive, it's got seams of sexism and racism, it's just grotesque. And so we can't blame kids, for being introduced by somebody else, or their curiosity, where we are silent and not talking about the harms of it. So that would be one thing, having that perspective shift. And then the second one is we need to have compassion and in kindness, you know, if you think about how a kid might be introduced to that in the shock, and the the scare that it might cause, just think about what it does to their their brain and have some compassion that oh, my gosh, this is I don't need to be angry at my child I need to be, I need to grieve with them that this has happened that they've come across this, I need to have compassion, and I need to support them. Because if condemnation happens in those moments, and there's there's yelling or getting upset at them, then that is going to teach them that you're not safe to talk to about these things in their struggles. But exactly what they need is you to be there and to support them and to help them get out of it. And you know, as I've worked with parents, the past couple of years, it's been awesome to see, parents respond when they get this and they respond with compassion. And then they go to war with their kids against this thing. They don't go to war against their kids, they go to war against pornography with their kids, and are able to come out of it. I've seen families completely get closer and healthier and completely changed around or completely turned around as a result of going after it together.

Trevor Tyson  17:34  
And how how exactly can a parent go to war with their kid on pornography? That's such a great thought bike, I would love to hear how you do that. That sounds amazing.

Ben Bennett  17:47  
Yeah, I've worked with somebody recently who the past year, this has happened with what I've seen in their life, that's really been helpful as is one. them taking the parent taking a posture of hey, where your support, we want to help you if you're tempted, come to us, let's let's talk about it. And having an open dialogue. And so talking about why it's wrong, but then also talking about, hey, we want to support you in this, we're not going to judge you, we're not going to condemn you, we want to be your advocate. So let's continually talk about this in the parent, helping them and saying there's things you can do, like put covenant eyes on your devices, or even having a consequence of not having a smartphone for a while so that you can't access that pornography going through a program together. Like with the rows resolution movement, we've got the resolution movement video series at resolution movement.org. And a parent and a child can go through that series together and talk about what are these underlying factors that may cause you to struggle with pornography or to get anxious or, or whatnot, and really, all of a sudden being an ally to this person to the the teen or the your son or your daughter to help them work through this.

Trevor Tyson  19:11  
Yeah. And we're gonna put the link for that in the description below. Because I think that's an amazing tool to have. I want to bounce back to one of the other things you were talking about and just having deep shame, and thinking that we're something there was something wrong with you. I can relate with that a lot going through like being in middle school, high school and mostly for me, it was like, I wasn't trying to fit in. I had a ton of friends but I just always had this longing for more I thought like I was always super shy around girls still am like I'm not the best ladies man out there. You know, it's just not my cup of tea. But even a dating like it's super taboo for me, right? So of course going through that in high school and middle school, I was like, oh, there's something wrong with me. But now I realize like, I'm just shy dude. I'm very outgoing. But when it comes to that market, like there's nothing wrong with me, it just takes a little bit of icebreakers to get to that scenario. So what was that experience? Like for you just diving through and analyzing almost go and Nancy Drew on the issues that you're having in your brain? What realizations did you have with just navigating through that deep shame and just feeling like there was something wrong with you at all times?

Ben Bennett  20:31  
Yeah, Trevor, I'd say two things. And we explore these throughout the book. One is that and this was so significant to me because I thought I had all these thoughts that I or beliefs that I thought were biblical, like, Okay, God just tolerates me as a result of Jesus dying on the cross for me. So that's what I was walking around with, I was believing, okay, I'm this worthless sinner, I'm not good enough. This is what the Bible says, God just tolerates me. I was basically, living from a mindset of the Bible begins with Genesis three with the fall of mankind, rather than Genesis one and two that were made in the image of God, which means we have so much value. That's why we can say that people are valuable that they're lovable because they're not just plants. They're not just ants or bugs. No, they're made in God's image. They've they've inherent value, they have a soul, they they reflect the image of God, nobody has does or ever will look just like you or be just like you, you're, you're indispensable. And we see that in the Bible, Genesis one in and two. So we really need to learn how to see ourselves the way God sees us in Psalm eight, I believe it is it oftentimes we like to quote, who are you, oh, God, that you're mindful of me. And we're kind of, it's almost like a way that it kind of feels like humility, or we're saying, Oh, I'm, I'm not. I'm not good enough. But how good are you God that you tolerate me, but we forget that in the next couple of verses say, yet you made them only a little bit lower than God. That's a profound statement. God created us and it's not prideful, it's it's actually humility to say, let me see myself the way God sees me. Here's a huge, important view of me. And that's why I'm so so valuable. And so learning that that's actually, that's actually true, regardless of the people that have said negative things to me, hurt me bullied me, they don't have the final say, they don't get determined get to determine my value, the One who created me gets to determine my value. And he has, I couldn't possibly have any greater value. The person who knows me, the best loves me the most. And so that was significant for me to start to, to learn and try to believe. And every time negative thoughts came up, lies came up, rejection came up, to sit there and visualize God and His love for me and how much he wants me and desires me. And that started to get deeply embedded in in my heart. So that would be one thing. That was really helpful. Second thing is all throughout the book, we talked about the seven longings of the the heart, or the seven persistent cravings in needs, that God created everybody to have fulfilled, acceptance, attention, safety affirmation of our feelings. And when those are fulfilled, we have a flourishing life. They're meant to be fulfilled by God in others in those healthy relationships. Yet, so many of us have unmet long needs. And we do something with those unmet longings when we experience rejection rather than acceptance, danger rather than safety. Whether or not we realize it, we're going to fill those or respond to those in and try and do something to feel at ease. And that's why we can live our lives so full of shame, so filled full of worry or anxiety, or we can develop unhealthy patterns, sin, trying to perform for our value, trying to look the part trying to, you know, have the certain amount of money trying to get acceptance in, in an unhealthy way in relationships, because we're developed or we're created to have these seven longings fulfilled. But when they're not fulfilled, we respond to those oftentimes in in unhealthy ways.

Trevor Tyson  24:45  
Yeah. And one thing I'd really like to touch on is the topic of suicide because, as you know, like I've lost loved ones to suicide, but I know that at age of 17, you encountered him suicide unlike anything I could ever imagine. And I just want to hear, like, even before happen after it happened. What was the process of healing like for you and accepting? Like, what happened? And yeah, like I just wanted to hear like your story behind that.

Ben Bennett  25:21  
Yeah, so when I was 17 It was one summer morning, my parents woke me up and, and I knew something was going on. And they just started talking to me and shared that my grandfather who was I think 92 At the time, had died by suicide, and that we were gonna go all get pack our stuff, get in the car go down to that funeral. And it was such a such a shock to me, I was instantly angry. And you know, there's a lot of things in my life up into that point that I was blaming God for. And this was kind of like the last straw. And so rather than processing it with people rather than, you know, healing from it, I ran from it. I was angry, I just put walls up, I started, you know, running from God, I didn't really want anything to do with him. And I started reacting, I started getting so angry at people, a lot of judgments, a lot of anger, a lot of just not being a kind person burning bridges with relationships, and just going full on into overeating and binging on pornography that next year. And so it was full on running from it. And I didn't even know at the time that I was, you know, coping with that and so many other things. All I knew is I was angry, and I was done with God. And it was about a year and a half. Later that I started to encounter some some people when I went away to college who were radically in love with, with Jesus and radically in love with people. And I just started to open up to them, because they were safe people. They didn't know it at the time. But they were meeting these seven longings, you know, they cared about me, they were safe, they weren't judging me, they invited me out to things. It was, I always felt almost like a celebrity hanging out with them. And that's what allowed me to start to feel safe. And to open up I remember with one guy in particular, we got pretty close, he was like a older brother to me. And I started to share some things with him. And that's what allowed me to start to open up and to process this and other things and the anger I had and eventually to be honest with God, and to work through that and to kind of let go of, of the pain and and those things in my life. And I know when it comes to the topic of suicide, how we often feel is that we often feel like, okay, I'm a burden in life, I'm what's wrong, I want to, I want to end my life I want to get out of here so I can stop being a burden to other people. But I think what we often forget is that the pain doesn't end with suicide, it it the pain that we are experiencing internally moves out to other people, and then they experience the pain they experienced the loss of us the can the confusion in the hurts What causes this ripple effect in you know, as I throughout my life, and in early on my life struggled with suicidal thoughts. I never thought of that. I never, I just felt so worthless and like a burden and the pain of living with so much. So I thought it would be better not to be here, but I didn't think of the impact on my friends on my family. And I got to see that impact with the suicide of my grandfather. And so wish you know, he never did that. So wish I could have talked to him. So wish she reached out for help and talk to somebody about what he was, you know, going through.

Trevor Tyson  29:30  
What's your grandma in the picture there? Was she already gone?

Ben Bennett  29:34  
Yeah, yeah. My My grandmother was in the picture there and she was confused and hurt by it all. And it was a shock to her and I know that was extremely painful.

Trevor Tyson  29:48  
Yeah, that's the topic of suicide in general used to be so taboo. Like I remember, I'm from a tiny town as you know. We didn't encounter suit Besides like that, I can remember like, while I was in school, there was only one like throughout the whole city that I heard of. And then after I graduated, I remember I was on tour. And I got a phone call that a kid that went to my like, was currently enrolled in the high school that I went to took his life. And then maybe a week later, a young lady decided she was gonna do the same thing. So that was like the first time it like touched down here in the home base. But friends that I've known and grown with have also taken their lives. And it's like, even going from someone saying, Oh, they killed themselves to oh, they died by suicide. That's a whole night and day scenario when it comes to the topic. And we've had Kayla stat Klein and a bunch of other advocates that are just really sounding the alarm for this thing, like it's an epidemic, people just, it's not that everyone's just not choosing life, right? There's mental incidents where people just like it's, it's a disorder, they that's the only light at the end of their tunnel that they can see. And hear in 2021, like, we're still in a pandemic, unfortunately, I thought we were hitting the tail end, but looks like things are getting ramped back up. People feel hopeless, they feel afraid. They feel lost, they feel lonely. They just want community. So what can we touch on that would really just impact someone that might be listening to this right now. And being like, dude, everything you're talking about is something that I deal with on a daily basis. I don't want to be here, I want to take my life. I want to die by suicide. If you were to be speaking one on one, like I believe podcasting interviews in general, we are talking to someone like that, for that person that's listening this right now that struggling and just doesn't see any hope. What would the message from men minute be?

Ben Bennett  32:03  
Yeah, I can only speak from Well, I think the thing that will be most helpful is to speak from my own life, the times that I have felt so hopeless, the times that I have literally be been convinced, in my own mind that things will never get better that think about the porn addiction and struggling with that, for what being addicted for 14 years, I'm trying all kinds of things. I think about the anxiety, the depression, OCD, you know, relationships, I think it's so easy to be convinced that this is going to be a struggle forever. This is what I'm going to deal with forever, that things are never going to get better. But yet, if I look back on my life, and look back on the hardships, it's, we go through valleys, and we go through mountain tops, I think of Psalm 23. What we've got to remember is that when we're going through the valley, the Lord is our shepherd. One translation says, I lacked nothing, I shall not want I lack nothing. What how can I lack nothing when it feels like going through hell on earth, that says, Because you are with me, your rod and your staff, they comfort me. And we got to remember Psalm 23, we're walking through the valley, you go through the valley, you'll hit the mountaintop, you'll go through the valley, you'll hit the mountaintop. So what's been helpful for me in my own life is when I feel so hopeless is to remember, wait, I went through that scene, and God got me out of it. People supported me seems got better. And then there's something else that I went through. And then I got out of it, and things got better. And so to remember, I think this is so helpful. If we can remember that our suffering is temporary, our struggles are temporary, things are going to get better, more more often than not in this life. Think back on a time when you went through something hard and it got better. And that can give you confidence. Okay, there is a light at the end of the tunnel in this life. It could be tomorrow it could be next week. I remember a time when I've it was about one one morning I woke up so depressed, and I've never felt that depressed before. It was like just this disgusting grief feeling. Nothing could bring me joy. But it only lasted eight days get in it. I was like, Okay, God, is this gonna be the rest of my life. And just day after day, asking him reaching out for help to people, eight days, you know, and it got better and I've never felt that depressed again. And so I would just encourage you to remember stuff you've been through and how it got better and that it will get better. And also to remember that I believe God's gonna use you. He's gonna use you as you go through this to then help somebody else who's in the midst of it. And think of that, I think of Jesus before he went to the cross for the joy set before Him, He endured the cross, if we can get a glimpse of it's going to get better. Remember when it did get better in the past was something I went through? And who are the people? What is God going to do through this? Who are the people that I might be able to encourage and help? Or who might? Yeah, who might I be able to talk to about this? I think that that will give you hope, and enough encouragement to keep, you know, fighting this day by day.

Trevor Tyson  35:38  
Wow, that's amazing. And free to thrive, how your hurt struggles and deepest longings can lead to a fulfilling life is available everywhere, including Amazon, where most of everything is purchased nowadays, so assuming everyone's gonna pick it up there, but we're gonna have the link in the description below on YouTube and on the audio experience, wherever you stream this podcasts on, Ben, thank you so much for being here. This has been so fun. And I know we'll do it again some other time and hopefully, be able to do that real high five in person soon.

Ben Bennett  36:14  
Hey, Trevor, it's a joy to get to be with you. Love you, man. Thank you for your friendship. You're one of the most generous and authentic people I know. And it's just a privilege to be on the podcast today.

Trevor Tyson  36:27  
Dude, thank you so much. And this episode has been brought to you by a new release today, as usual, and we will talk to you guys next week.

Trevor Tyson  36:36  
Bye now.

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